Shame and Separation
Follow-up from author of
“Satan, God’s Teenager”
1999
[posted on KDB, October 2004]

This “confession” is only posted now, October 2004, although it was sent to the KDB in July 1999.

My name is Liz Vernon. I am 52 years old, and I teach art in an elementary school in the great state of Texas. I thought long and hard about whether or not I should use my real name. It would sort of defeat the purpose of what I am going to do if I don’t tell you who I am, though.

You’ve heard my story about Satan, God’s Rebellious Teenager. What I am going to tell you is what I think and feel. I am a Christian and I have read the Bible. What I say is my opinion, though. It is what I feel. It is important that you know this before I begin. I don’t want to confuse you about the Bible, or contradict beliefs which you may hold very deeply. I am coming to you as another one of God’s precious and much loved children. Funny, isn’t it, that we can both stand here as children, even though I am far older than you?

I want to talk to you about my shame. I want to tell you why it is better to stay on the sidewalk than to go joy-riding with Satan. That conjures up a funny, cartoon image, doesn’t it? Well, Satan is no laughing matter, believe me. I want to tell you how he is deliberately causing you pain this very minute.

I have broken every one of the Ten Commandments. I never actually killed any one, but I murdered in my heart everyday. I murdered with my mouth and thoughts. I was a teenager in the sixties. I was a wanna-be hippie. I smoked grass. I jumped right in and was a card-carrying member of the Sexual Revolution. I have been divorced. I have done even worse things. I have been proud and haughty. I have said ugly things to my mother. She died in 1984. I have gossiped and spread rumors. I have been a bigot (I was democratic about it: I tried to let EVERYONE know that I was better than they were). I got into the fast, red car many times with Satan. I always felt dirty when I got out.

Am I proud of all of my accomplishments? Hardly. I grew up in the church, I read the Bible, went to Sunday School, and my parents tried to set a good example and guide me along. But there was a kind of barrier between me and my parents. Now I understand why.

I want to tell you how sorry, that as an adult, I have let my shame separate me from you. Because I have been so ashamed of my past, I have had to lie to you whenever you asked me important questions. My shame turned into anger and impatience when you would ask me questions that required me to tell you the truth about myself. I was terrified that if I told you the truth about myself, you would turn your back on me in disgust. I was terrified that if I told you the truth you would run off and do the same cruel and stupid things I did, because you thought it would be alright, since I had done those things myself.

My shame separated me from God, and other people. It made me a frightened, defensive, lonely person. I was in a lot of pain, although I learned to numb myself to it. That meant pretending that I was a good person, and to not letting other people get too close to me, so that they wouldn’t find out that I was not a good person. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

You will have to pay for your joy ride with Satan. He NEVER forgets that you owe him. NEVER. He will remind you every night, while you toss and turn on your bed. You will not ever be able to get the love you want and need. You might muster up a pale imitation of it, but it will never satisfy. You will never feel that you have gotten enough. This world will slowly begin to turn into hell. Don’t worry, there are no flames. It looks just like this world. But there is never enough love. Your shame will wall you off.

How is Satan deliberately causing YOU pain right now? Well, he may be separating you from your parents. He likes to do that. It makes it easier to get to you. You are so young and idealistic. He knows your heart and mind. He will show you every way that your parents are hypocrites. It is easy to do, dear. There may be things which they want to hide from you, like I did. They may be filled with shame, too.

Well, are we going to let Satan have the last word? It’s up to you and it’s up to me.

I learned that I must stop running from God. He is the only one who can give me ALL the love I need and want. I did not have to wait until I was “good enough” for God. He knows that I make mistakes. He gives me the strength to get right up and try again. His love gives me such strength and comfort.

Look around at all the wounded, lonely people who are filled with shame and remorse. Look at all of the people who have been on that joy ride with Satan. They are our brothers and sisters.

So, stay on the sidewalk. And encourage others to stay on the sidewalk. And if you forget, and take the joy ride anyway, do not let the guilt that you will feel separate you from God. Make your confession, get up, dust yourself off, and get back on the sidewalk. And share your story with someone. It might just save them some heartache. When you have allowed God to fill you up with love, it is a joy to pass it on. You won’t want to keep it to yourself. You won’t be able to.

Thank you for letting me share my story with you. I love you and don’t want you to have to go through what I have gone through.